A Smile

Almost all of my neighbors are Brazilian and my neighborhood is Brazilian. I'm from Spain and I am also part Venezuelan. 

Two nights ago I went to buy food at midnight. There were a few things missing from the house and the kids wanted to watch a movie. I was tired but still had energy after working 11 hours I wasn't home until almost 10 at night. That is my usual shift four days a week. I have 3 of my 4 daughters living at home and my 17 year old's boyfriend moved in this month from Connecticut. Anyhow I decided to run to the supermarket at midnight because I had another long shift the next day and I didn't want the kids to go without certain things. I ran around with a basket and got what I needed and threw some chips and cookies in the basket which is something I usually never buy. First because they are not necessarily (I'm a Virgo) and secondly because they are expensive. To a Virgo mind that reads- unnecessary expense/it's not really food. Well Virgo went Gemini that night and even threw in a box of donuts (for breakfast .. ya right!). 

I was walking to pay with a basket that was pretty heavy.  It looked heavy I had to carry it with two hands. A woman who was walking towards me looked me in the face, our eyes met and she smiled at me. I felt there was a secret understanding between us. Some mysterious knowledge of each others lives. She was probably Brazilian and I certainly look Hispanic even though my skin is quite white. Our world met that night in some strange and peculiar way. Her struggles coming to this country, my struggles coming to this country. Going to buy food at midnight when most people are getting ready for bed. It wasn't an ordinary smile and there was no reason for her to smile at me. Our eyes met and I smiled back at her.  It penetrated my mind saying, "we are one my sister".  It gave me strength in my body to march on, continue my path, alone, she said, "you are not alone". 

That woman who was in her mid 30's just a little younger than me reminded me of who I am and where I came from. All of the struggles in my life, (I'll tell you those later) the humanness of my existence. I am ok with that because that is my reality. I'm just glad to know that somewhere out there, two strangers understood each other and I'm not alone.

There is an Arabic saying: A smile is like Charity. That night her smile was charity to my mind, body and soul.

Overcome

I read an article today on CNN concerning whether we were the laziest generation. There was a picture of a girl texting below the title. This is a topic I have thought about a lot. First of all working in information technology behind a computer, I connect other computers and devices all day long to each other. While I'm doing that I receive emails, texts, phone calls and respond to my own endless stream of Facebook friends and emails. I even joined a dating site! Then left. It seems I'm quite guilty of this myself.

To be fair I work to make a living and I chose my career. I text to stay in touch with my kids and people I love and sometimes friends. I Facebook to keep in touch with those I love most and to keep up with their lives and also because Facebook has connected me with numerous 'real' things to do where I live like dance! I love to dance. Otherwise, I can't stand to talk on the phone, I don't watch much TV although I love a good movie and having thought about my state of life in the recent years have concluded I was doing it too much.

It may sound odd but to me it's rather amazing. After my divorce I had to recreate myself and relearn who I was. I gave up so much of my life and myself when I was married that I lost myself completely. (We can talk about that later). When I made up my mind to divorce 5 years ago I considered it a 'Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life'. I refused to see it as a fault, a shame, something I had failed at. The fact is that I had failed myself and deprived myself of an extraordinary life for 15 years. It took a lot of work to redo myself and I have done some crazy things in the meantime. Crazy when compared to what I'd been living. Like leaving a decent job where I was really climbing up the ladder to try to move closer to my family across the country with 2 kids. I ended up freezing up North, my family was spread out and I rarely got to see them, finding it so expensive to live there that it was impossible to stay. That was in June of 2010, by December I was back where I had started only with the challenges of starting over. Completely.

After 5 years of going out and dancing a lot (I may have Belly Danced with half of ATL), meeting different people and keeping a close group of friends, venturing out slowly out of the zone I had created for 15 years I actually stepped outside and ventured into the unknown. An unknown I had a great desire to visit, to live. The final step outside of that forest of trees I knew, flowers I already knew their smells, tastes I didn't have to wonder.  Dances I had forgotten. The interesting thing is that even though I had stepped outside of that world I'd lived in for 15 years, I still stayed inside it's circle.

I have overcome! I live my life, not watch it. I have great kids and although I can't say it's easy raising them alone (at all), their smiles when I come home bring me happiness. Stepping back and looking at what I've accomplished as they watch TV, play games, eat the food I bought, come back wet from the pool with wet towels, we never have dry towels these days,  live under the roof I pay for and use everything I've provided makes me proud. It makes me smile not just FOR myself but FOR them. I enjoy Samba night some Sundays, I still go Belly Dancing although I haven't gone in a few months, I've gone to the lake to watch the sunrise by myself. Gone to the bar just for a beer, smile at work even when I'm tired just because I'd rather live my life smiling and not broadcast negativity on innocent others.

I like myself and I'm still working on me. I'll be the first to say it's not so easy. I still text, I still Facebook I still email.  But it's not my life. It's a part of my life and I'm far from lazy. And I worry about a society who can't   meet. To get together face to face to socialize. Sit at the neighborhood bar and laugh together, dance and sing together.  I think about the socialization of my kids, myself, my friends. And because I think (yes thank God), because I worry (its sucks but it's necessary), because it's a concern, I am one who has overcome. What CNN described is a choice we make. I am not a pawn of society, nor a follower. I am the leader of my destiny, the captain of my ship.

Overcome

"(CNN) -- We are the reality-show generation. Instead of doing, we watch: We watch people sing, dance with B-level stars, fist pump, pawn stuff, pick a husband/wife, get extreme makeovers to their homes and faces, be "real" housewives, keep up, lose weight, go to rehab, get fired, survive. And the voyeuristic nature has spilled into everyday life. Thanks to Facebook, Twitter, Google+, YouTube and a host of other social media platforms, all the world's now truly a stage, and we are all players in the reality show of life -- either as the "stars" or as the self-appointed pundits."